Back to being a single, single mum

I never dreamed six months into a beautiful romance that I’d be sitting here on my week off sobbing into a box of kleenex.  But I am.  Ending the relationship with boyfriend was a mutual decision and it was definitely the right choice.  So the tears I cry are not those of sadness at losing boyfriend.  You cannot be sad about losing someone who wasn’t right for you and who was not the person they led you to believe. 

No, the tears are different.  They aren’t for him but for me.  It’s sheer frustration that yet again I have wandered up (and was partly led up) a blind alley. It’s recognition that in daring to believe the words of commitment and promise, which now I realise were without depth, I let myself forget about the financial worries and emotional strain of single motherhood and doing it all on your own.  I let myself dream that I’d have a life partner and munchkin would have a step dad.  I let myself be bathed in hope that may be this was it.

You know what else though?  I let myself tenderley plant the seeds that, had it worked out, would have grown into love.  And that is so, so positive.  Its shown me that despite the emotional trauma of the divorce and single motherhood, I still believe in and are capable of being open to trusting and loving someone.

So as I exit my first “proper” relationship since my marriage ended, what have I learnt?

I’ve learnt that I’m definitely “over” my marriage break up.  Ironically this recent relationship ended on what would have been my third wedding anniversary and I didn’t even notice the date until a friend mentioned it.

I’ve learnt that I care about myself enough to not tolerate being treated without honesty, dignity of respect and that I won’t chase a relationship for the sake of it.  To use Bridget Jones speak, I can now spot “emotional fuckwittage” very quickly!

I’ve learnt that the non negotiables I wrote about before have stood me in good stead.  Part of the reason I was unhappy was because I realised that to make this particular person happy I’d have to sacrifice my career and/or time with my daughter which I’m not prepared to do given how little I see her already.

I’ve learnt that I have a lot to learn!  Some negative patterns of behaviour came out in me that I thought would die along with the marriage break up.  I need to focus on managing those much better.

I’ve learnt that I’m finally growing up and it feels good.  Previously I would have petulantly responded by making my profile on the dating website I’m a member of live again the next day and throwing myself into a new round of dating without giving myself time to heal, reflect, confront my role in the relationship demise, decide on how I need to improve myself and reassess whether the experience has changed or confirmed what I’m really looking for.

I’ve learnt that all the steps I took after my marriage ended to make my life bullet proof mean my life is just that.  I’ve been overwhelmed today with emails, texts, messages from friends and was welcomed into my parents’ home this afternoon with more love and tenderness than you can shake a stick at.  That I continue to ask for support, that I have the network in place, that such network has mobilised today in a way that makes me feel so loved and warm and supported is really all you could ever ask for in your time of need.

Well almost.  Actually all I need in times of need is my beautiful girl.  More than a few times today, when cuddling and rocking her back and forth, I’ve drifted off into a peaceful daydream of absolute nothingness.  Real delicious mindfulness.  In those moments nothing existed in this world other than her and boy did it feel good. Just like it always does. It still blows me away that the love for your children can bring you so much strength.


2 Responses to “Back to being a single, single mum”

  1. 1 supersinglemum March 26, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    I am yet to embark on the 1st relationship since my marraige ended 2 years ago. Mainly because I have no contact with men and so havnt met anyone! I am in 2 minds about it though, for me, I am ready and look forward to meeting someone new, on the other, I worry about my girls and how they will deal with that. Only time will tell I suppose but you are right, a mother’s love for their child is so strong it can give you the strength to face anything!

    • 2 motherappeaser March 28, 2010 at 8:48 pm

      I think it’s about perspective. Kids make you selfless in every way. It frightens me sometimes how much I rely on my daughter soe her love and she’s only 21 months! But at this age her unconditional wonderful love lifts my soul and makes me strong so I’m just going to enjoy it.

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